wow. i haven't updated in a long time. not that anyone really uses livejournal anyway anymore. except for a few people to whom i have either not spoken in a long time or to whom i was never really that close to begin with.
i have been through more in the past month than i can even really begin to explain or even understand myself. i got everything i wanted and then in a matter or weeks it was gone. someone stole my checks and has been fraudulently writing them in my name. my accounts are frozen. i lost my wallet. i got a new one and put my fake id in it and then i lost that one too after i got picked up by some guy on sunset blvd who i think now thought that i was a hooker. i met a guy and fell in love. and then he was gone. i met another guy who i thought could help me realize my musical ambitions of fame and insanity and then he was gone. some of it was my fault. some of it wasn't. i don't really know anything anymore. i thought for a long time that i did know exactly who i was. but over the past month i found myself in a place of inexplicable elation-- brief as it was- and then in the darkest rock bottom i have ever experience. i'm still there, in this dark place but i feel like i am on my way out of it. even though i am still up to my fucking neck in questions. all i do know is that everything i knew about myself, everything i've spent my entire life figuring out has been lost. and once again i'm starting all over again in a way i never have before. i can honestly say that i am not who i used to be. i know that after this past month i will never be who i was again. i don't know exactly what it is that has changed, i can not tell yet. but i know that after what i've just been through, NOTHING will ever be the same. i am left now to re learn everything about myself, everything i thought i knew, alone in a city where none of the people who helped me before can. i am truly on my own. i am terrified. i am scared fucking shitless. and as profoundly as this devastation has impacted me, as much pain as i am still in, i am doing everything i can to keep going. and i am. i'm trying to be optimistic just as i always have attempted. it's not always effective, least of all now but i console myself with thoughts that perhaps now i've paid my karmic debts. perhaps for all the bad things i've done to others, i am feeling what they did. maybe i'm a little closer to being even with lady fate. maybe this is god's way of telling me to get the fuck out of LA. maybe i've just been taught a lesson that i will later fully realize and appreciate. maybe i'm stronger, maybe i'm weaker. i don't know how i feel or who i am though and it excites me but it also numbs me. like being on lithium again. something powerful and real just happened. i just hope that i get let in on whatever it's supposed to be at some point in the near future. i am going back to new york in a few weeks for a visit. by the time i get back to LA i will have a better understanding, hopefully, very hopefully, of what i need to do with myself. until then i guess i can just wait to figure myself out on my own. i have a new name. no one knows who michael is in LA.
maybe that's good though because neither do i.
my expectations, wants and hopes have been diminished to a pile of broken questions.
i don't know what to expect. maybe that's it though, at this point quite frankly, i DON'T expect. i don't expect anything. my faith in others seems to have conflicted enormously with that which i had in myself. at this point it feels like i can only have one or the other. i can either plan to get myself home at the end of the night or rely entirely on someone else to get me there. i can either trust someone else or trust myself. i don't know which i prefer at this point. i don't know anything at this point because i don't trust myself or anyone.

i've really done it now.
and i've met a boy...

oh livejournal
how you take me way back when
I live in Los Angeles now
I'm really proud of it
The City of Angels
and I'm an angel
so to speak...

Date:	2008-01-27 22:09
Subject:	wow...
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic
Music:	doll parts

i just got completely overwhelmed. well, that's an exageration, but regardless, i just jetted through the past five years of my life in like, ten minutes in my head. i was checking livejournal, which i rarely do anymore as no one ever updates anymore, least of all the people with whom i had such close contact halfway through highschool who inspired me to even create this account to begin with, and it hit me all at once. and i realized how far i've come from age 15. all the good and bad times i've had with myself and others. the people that have come and gone. and then those who have stayed.
freshman year when the real world began to slowly descend upon me. and i retreated into my mind.
sophmore year of highschool, when i began my absurd little emo phase with the nate, lauren and me trifecta of absolute misery.
junior year when it took me months and months of avoiding everybody to find out who i wanted to be and with whom. when i began spending time with johnny and johnlee.
the summer before senior year when i cut my ties to everyone i'd known before and made the best friend i've ever had.
sernior year... more mopy emo bullshit. i spent all my time in my head and with friends developing a drinking problem...
a summer i spent with johnny, dee and johnlee...
college and the people i met there...
the winter i spent with colleen...
my mother who protected my life from the very beginning and never really appreciated her until now...
the things i'll never forget.
all up to this point.
it scares me sometimes when i realize how much i've changed.
but i really love who i have become.
and now i'm 3000 miles away from all of those memories and it scares and excites me to realize that i am still changing. seeing how far i've come, from walking downtown bath new york wearing k mart jeans to walking around central los angeles in skinny jeans and wasteland ankleboots like i fucking own the place. and i wonder how much further i'll go. i feel limitless and without restriction now. i am scared though because i feel in some way that becoming who i'm going to be, as it happens so rapidly, i swear i can watch it in the mirror and feel it in my chest, feels like saying goodbye to everything i used to be. and it is. but sometimes i just wonder if i'm ready to let go of my past and the good memories i have. i don't know. i'll never be 17 again. sometimes that makes me sad.
however, the complete and total vindication that i feel over all of the people who i knew from highschool and corning is overwhelming. most of the people who wouldn't give me the time of day or fucked me over in one way or another are still hanging out at yanni's house in good old b-town. and they probably will be well into their thirties, getting fatter, older and even more boring. good luck at corning community college kids. because for most of them, that's the end of the line. i think these things and smile to myself while i'm driving down the 101 freeway on my way to LA. i'm one of the only kids i know who translated big dreams into reality. and i'm fucking proud as i've ever been.
so i know that this may prove fruitless as no one updates their livejournal anymore, johnny, rachel, lauren, amber, dee and everyone else. kind of a fitting end to all those things. all those memories of which i'm hesitant to let go, the ones i ran home to write all about in my queer little livejournal... i guess this is how i know it's time to say good bye to them all, head held high and off into the night.

goodbye.

i made it to california. i still can't really believe i'm here. it's intense. most of the people are really cool. some do suck though. it's weird, everyone's mean for like the first hour they meet you. then they warm up. i saw hellogoodbye, say anything and younglove the other night. i got a job at guess? which is my first retail and a job at a southwestern grill. all in the southcoast plaza mall which is from what i understand, the highest grossing mall in the country. i wonder if that's true though. i bought a computer that just somehow already has internet. i'm not questioning it. i'm going to see shiny toy guns on the 22nd. i found an apartment a mile or two from the beach with a room mate who is really cool. i wish he were my dad. it's weird because somehow it hasn't quite sunk in that i'm here but in another way it feels like i'm already used to it and it isn't all copletely brand new. i was a terrified nervous wreck the first couple days after johnlee left but somehow everything is just falling into place. i don't know what's going to happen in the foreseeable future which i'm actually ok with for right now. that's pretty much why i came here in the first place i guess. i'm excited and scared but mostly i'm just proud of myself. i'm really really proud. because i finally did one of those things that everybody always says that they'll do since highschool and then wind up staying in bath and going to corning. i got out and there's no guarantee that i'm out forever but for right now i feel really good about myself for actually following through with something that matters to me and starting something of my own for once. i need to go buy a coffee table now.

know that feeling where you want something so badly that it borders on need? like you just really need something to fall into place and work out in the right way without having to fight for it. i would love to have something work out like that. it's that feeling when you want someone so badly that it actually hurts. and you wind up with that feeling like the bottom is just going to fall out from underneath you. you pray to god it doesn't because you're already barely holding on. everything is going justhow i wanted. i have no fucking clue what's going to happen next and i'm finally following through with something i wanted to do just for myself. i don't know where i'm going to land, nothing is planned out and everything is just how i always said i'd do it and how i always wanted it. and i don't know what's going to happen. but i'm actually doing it. and i should be happier than ever. and in a way i am, i'm very proud of myself. even if i get to california and am back in a week at least i'll know i'll try. i just wish that this awesome feeling weren't completely sullied by this other feeling i have. and in a way it's exactly how it's supposed to be. it really is. i just can't help but wonder to myself when it's all gone down, whether or not i'll wind up empty handed with this stupid boy. what happens if i get to california and this dumb ass boy doesn't have any interest in me? what if i get there and he just wants to be friends and not date me? WHAT IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO MOVE IN WITH ME AND HAVE BABIES AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER? i know it's totally stupid and i'm overthinking the whole thing but i can't halp it. it's kind of what i do in my spare time. i think. and when i run out of fun things to think about i resort not to worry but to considering the worst possible scenario. i wish i were capable of not pinning all of my hopes for happiness on one single star but i can't. i'm an idealist at heart and it fucking sucks. i want everything to work out perfectly and it never does. but i can't stop having faith in the thought that maybe soon it will actually all just be perfect. the odds have to be in my favour because god fucking knows it hasn't happened yet. i don't know. it's hard to describe. i remember being sixteen and writing for hours about how depresed i was that some asshole didn't like me back but it's different know. i know i'm still a child in a lot of ways but everything is so much heavier now. i can cope a lot better than in days past but now it feels like i'm running out of time for some reason. which is stupid because i'm 19 and it's not like i dn't have plenty of fucking time. but it feels like now i can't just keep saying, "oh yeah, when i graduate i'll be out of here..." or "when i have the money i'm out of here..." or any of that shit because i did graduate, highschool at least, and i do have the money now. i quit both my jobs and i'm going to california come hell or high water but i just don't know what's going to happen when i get there. which is exactly how i want it with respect to the rest of my structured life. but as far as this stupid boy... i don't know. i would like some reassurance that maybe somoene could be interested in me. like it's great when the girls at the tavern tell me how hot i am. michelle loves to tell me, " if only you were 21 and straight... oh you'd be in trouble" but i'd like a boy for once in my life to look at me and say something to me that meant anything and make me believe it. even when i was with zac i didn't feel like that. but that whole relationship was just a last ditch effort while i was at a point where i thought i should settle because... i don't know why. i had a quick phase there when i turned 18 and thought i had to make something of my life that would be impressive to other people. i don't know what that was. for a year there though i just really wanted to finish college and keep a steady boyfriend and feel responsible or something. i could have finished college and stayed with zac, who is going to school to be a doctor and will be crazy rich and live in some mansion in california someday making billions of dollars but i just couldn't. i got to a point where i realized i don't care. i'm not in love and i'm not doing anything that i care about. i was just living my life the safest way possible. and i realized, i would rather be poor and living in a van in southern california than here in my mom's nice warm house dating a boy who is just, soooo nice and perfect, and working toward a degree in i don't even know what at corning community so i could become something i don't care about. i don't know. i'm revisiting my rebelious FUCK ALL YOU phase from when i was sixteen. but from a different perspective. i guess what's going to happen bottom line is that i'll move to california, if i meet someone with whom i may fall in love and live happily ever after, then awesome. that's what i really want. have kids and settle down young. something like that. if that doesn't happen then i'll start a band and travel with it. maybe develop a drug addiction, bleach my hair and make a great record. i'll meet up with johnlee somewhere along the line. whether it's to record an album and start a real band or whether it's to hang out and drink beer while our kids have a play date. i just wish i could get a sign from something. i've been getting signs for that past 8 months that i'm heading in the right direction. but it's been awhile now andi wish god would just tap me on the shoulder to let me know i still have the right idea. i know everything will work out and that it won't be as i expected but at the same time, i just wish i could have a little reassurance. but then what would be the point right?

california's burning down before i even got there.
i'm pretty sure i've met the love of my life in a way... but not really probably.
it's just one of those things where i see everything just as i wish it were. and i can't help but pray that i'm right. I don't know. it's werid. i'm leaving in less than two weeks. and i don't ever want to come back. even if i hate it there i know it can't possibly be worse than here. and at least there i'll be afforded a little more oppurtunity. at least there will be a chance that i could wind up finding what i want. i'm goin gcrazy here. it's soooo close. and i can't even think straight at this point. between getting everything together, saying goodbye to so many different people, some in different ways. letting go of the little betrayal i'm sorry to say seems to have spelled the end of one specific friendship i never saw ending so soon or for such reasons. but whatever happens here before i leave is irrelevant because i iknow that i'll have a fresh start once i'm there. i can start all over again and be a brand new person. even if all my demons follow me out there, at least i'll be happy knowing that i've done something i said i was going to.

i'm going to fucking crack

i'm so fucking sick of everyone i know.
well actually... not everyone... just a couple of them.
i'm sick of work
i'm sick of waiting
i'm sick of having to get up early every morning of my life
i'm sick of knowing i have to go back to school in the fall
i'm sick of people taking advantage of me
i'm sick of everyone's expectancy and the frequent waves in which it always comes.
i'm sick of having to accept everyone else's flaws because i know that most of them can't help it.
i'm sick of everyone else looking at me like i'm crazy/an asshole because i have plans toward which i am working endlessly and therefore don't have time to fiddly fuck around with them-- aka, hang out with them so they can smoke all my cigarettes and drink all my beer that no one ever seems willing to throw down for unless i'm not there to buy it for them.
i'm sick of people dissappointing me
and i'm sick of this place.
i'm ready to start my adventure.
so i'm biding my time by telling myself that in a way, i already have. because that's true. in a way i guess. the gears are turning.
more than anything though, i'm sick of being lonely.
and people looking around me instead of into me.
i'd really love for the right person to just see me for once.
and i'd love to be able to let myself slide into that state of acceptance equipped with an ability to settle for what i can get. a place where i can descend darkly into that distancing cynicism that those around me are so good at using. how nice to be so guarded. i'd like to be able to stop puting all of my hopes on one thing or one person turning out to be just what i wanted it or them to be. and to be content with being miserable. but unfortunately i can't put myself in that state of mind. i spent a lot of time there before. and now i don't think i could retreat to that even if i really did want to. because all this random/idealistic/unrealistic faith that i build up and have for those around me is bound to pay off at some point. i never expected that every person who i have allowed to dissappoint me would. but they did. but somehow that doesn't really stop me from commiting these massive amounts of hope and total belief in others and in my own ideas. bercause the way i see it one of these days one of these people i choose will actually meet those expectations in his or her own way. maybe even exceed them. i believe that to be true. i have to believe it. what else can i do at this point? i refuse to allow myself to recidivate to that previous state of stupid sixteen year old angsty, gratuitious self involvement that i seem to be one of the few to have grown out of. because it's harder to try and be happy. but it feels a fuck of a lot better than sitting around commiserating my life and talking about things i only wish i could do. fuck that.
my bags are packed dude.
i just have to wait awhile before i can take them anywhere other than downstairs.

courtneylove.com

dooooo it....

Scorpio and Pisces:

When these two connect for the first time, sparks will fly and they will feel they have met a soul mate. There is a deep unexplainable connection when they meet and get to know each other. Pisces represents Scorpio’s fifth house of love and sex. There will be love at first sight and great sex. Many relationships and marriages take place when these two fall in love. This could be the real thing. Scorpio and Pisces are highly intuitive, sexual and mysterious by nature. They will have a passionate time together and love is almost guaranteed.
When these two click, nothing and absolutely nothing gets in the way. The need to express love will be felt very strongly by both signs. Sex will be exotic, erotic and intoxicating. Memories of this attraction linger in both Scorpio and Pisces minds long after their romance is over.

This could be a very rewarding, prosperous and lasting experience for both of you. Why not?

Your Life is Rated R

Your life is definitely adults only. While children accompanied by parents are welcome, they'll probably be scarred for life.

gr4eat mood right now.
you have no idea.
now we'll see if it lasts through the weekend.
i could ride this wave forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkp_ogqoUPI

i just watched that and started to cry a little bit. i'm so fucking excited i could piss my pants. courtney love is one phase i don't think i'll ever outgrow. becasue she's still evolving as i continue to grow up. there's a song for every significant part of my life that she wrote. and i've never ever lost faith in her as a human being because she's never given a reason to. fucks it up and then rebounds better than before. it's insane and breathtaking and ugly and beautiful all at once. i believe she's who she says she is.
i love courtney love. and i know it sounds dumb but any of you who don't i just don't get. you have no idea what you're missing to not give this music a shot. especially the snippets of the new stuff that's starting to surface. you're a fucking lunatic. it's so incredible.

and i swear to god if i hear one more person even breath a single poor word of her i'm going to flip shit.

Dear Mike,

why do you do this to me?

Love, your liver.

i'm really confused and i honestly don't really know what to think or how to feel about myself.
it's discouraging because i like me. i'm happy with who i am. i don't think i'm perfect but i think i'm a good person. or at least that i try as well as i can to be one. not in a fake tries-to-hard way either, a genuine, i-want-to-be-a-legitimately-good-person kind of way. i don't think i'm unattractive. i'm not the most beautiful person ever. but i look good sometimes. i have crazy moments but i think i'm relatively level headed for someone my age. and somehow the few people who i have chosen to pursue have exhibited little to no interest in even getting to know me. that really takes the wind out of my sails. frankly, my sailboat tipped over and now i'm watching it sink while i swim around in circles dodging sharks. i think maybe-- and bear with me, this may not make sense-- i'm not the type that MY type likes. what is that... like, that has to be some sort of a complex or something. i don't seek rejection. i certainly don't LIKE it by any stretch of the imagination. i went through that phase where wanting someone who didn't want me back made me feel worldly and cool in that pathetic emo sense of the various back and forth getting nowhere motions but i'm over that. fuck, i think i'm over a lot of the shit i always wanted. i always wanted to be a drug addict betty ford rock star celebrity. but now i just want to be normal. i want a normal life. or at least my version of one. with someone who can make me happy. i want to have kids and a nice house in southern california by the beach. i want to be happy and have a family and for once not be the most important thing to myself. to be the most important thing to someone else instead of me. i'm just afraid i'm going to spend so much time looking for this and then turn thirty and be like... what the fuck have i been doing and have nothing to show for my quest for happiness. i'm scared of not making progress. and as much progress as i've made as a human being, for the most pa rt it has been internal. externally i've only made mistakes for which all i have to show are lessons learned. i just feel lik ei'm waiting. i don't know really what for. i know what i'd like to be waiting for. but that might not turn out to be what i want it to. more or less... whatever. i just want something big. something new. i just want a chance. i want to stop sitting around and waiting for shit to happen and get somewhere where i can MAKE shit happen myself.
between my check from the office i got on thursday, my check from the tavern on friday, my tips from friday, saturday and today i have over six hundred dollars to put in the bank which will bump me up to over 4600 bucks. i'm getting closer. and that's excluding the money i'll make tomorrow working on the floor. my life has become a lot more stressfull but by my own doing. i've chosen to work two jobs. and i'd have it no other way. i'm not the type to sit around and be able to not go insane feeling like i have to do something. i used to be. but now i need distractions from the fact that nothing is going quite as i wish it were. and i've chosen two of the most stressfull jobs that a person my age could so therefore i don't have a choice but to not think about how much thinins suck. it's great. i love having to concentrate on which file that letter goes in or who ordered the fucking chardonay than why the boys i like are ignoring me and my heart is in shambles. i'm probably one of the most passive aggressive people i know.

my schedule....
monday... 4pm tavern waiting tables
tuesday... office 12 to 4
wednesday... office 8:30 to 12
thursday... office 8:30 to 5
friday... 4 waiting tables tavern.. not sure if i work day
saturday... 10 until 10 or 11 waiting tables then runner
sunday... another double i think

or at least as far as i can call. all spare time spent laying in sun attempting to tan without going to a bed and wpending money. fuck that shit.
i had to take the umbrellas down during lunch today when it started raining. i don't know if any of you have seen what happens to my hair when it gets wet but if you've seen that episode of friends where they go on vacation and monica's hair swells to like ten times it's normal size... think that only in terms of waves and curls. none of which go in a flattering or proportionate direction. so i've looked like i don't care how i look since about 3:30 pm today. yeah. everyone else thinks it's cute but they don't have to walk abound looking like they just stuck their fucking head in a blender.

i know what i want but what i want does't want me...
what do you do in a situations like such?
particularly with a refusal to settle for what you can get?
i don't need perfect but i need my own twisted kind of perfection.
i don't know.

i'm so fucking sick of EVERYONE
i want either to be catered to or left completely the hell alone.
i just realized how much of my time and effort i spend on other people because at long last i'm focusing on myself-- with or without those who i always put first. i'm making me my own first priority now. and as lonely as it is, it's encouraging. for some reason i need everything to be new. more than ever.

jerry falwell is dead

"Unfortunately, we will always remember him as a founder and leader of America's anti-gay industry, someone who exacerbated the nation's appalling response to the onslaught of the AIDS epidemic, someone who demonized and vilified us for political gain and someone who used religion to divide rather than unite our nation."

and i'm sad to say... i think the world's a better place without him.

so here's a thought...
if you prefer men to women or women to men... is that not the most basic definition of one's sexuality?
correct me if i'm wrong and forgive me if i just plain don't understand--- but,  if you're a male who can derive sexual pleasure from men or women and yet you prefer men, are you not in turn a homosexual?  i say that you are.  i'm sure it's different for everyone.  however, i know girls with whom i would probably have sex.  i know girls who i'm attracted to.  but i prefer guys.  and that makes me gay.  i think, if i'm being quite frank, those of you boys who choose to call yourselves bi but prefer guys, are kidding yourselves.  i'm sure that there are exceptions and i'm sure that there are bi males who are attracted to men who they find attractive and women who they find attractive indiscriminately.  but having a specific and distinct preference, i think makes you gay.  furthermore, i think that many of those guys who label themselves bi are doing so because they are scared of flying the fag flag.  fine.  it takes time for some people i suppose.  but it's a lot more acceptable in some circles to be bi because those who are uncomfortable with homosexuality are put a little bit more at ease when there is at least some hint of even alleged heterosexuality.  i think these "bi" guys who aren't really bi are scared.  and i think that's really sad, not saying much for how far many of us may have thought our society has come.  but then... it's also just as likely that it's not at all a reflection upoin society but actually, a personal problem.  i think more likely than not, these guys are most afraid to admit to themselves that they are actually gay, actually queer.  a FAG.  because that can be a really scary word when people throw it just right.  i wouldn't blame anyone for being afraid.  but i think it only adds to the problem, not standing up and being able to admit what you are.  

achelikeiache94: so
achelikeiache94: i have a serious question
AgRaDearmadta: k
achelikeiache94: as a bisexual male
achelikeiache94: or
achelikeiache94: wait
achelikeiache94: let me start before that
achelikeiache94: do you prefer men or women?
AgRaDearmadta: men.
achelikeiache94: ok
achelikeiache94: so
achelikeiache94: isn't being a male who prefers men to women in a sexual manner the definition of homosexuality on a broad scale of course?
AgRaDearmadta: no.
AgRaDearmadta: because I enjoy women sexually.
AgRaDearmadta: homosexuals do not.
achelikeiache94: but you still have a preference
achelikeiache94: like
achelikeiache94: i know some girls who i would like to have sex with
achelikeiache94: but i don't consider myself bi
achelikeiache94: because i'd prefer to be with a guy
AgRaDearmadta: nope.
achelikeiache94: i disagree
achelikeiache94: i think your preference is the main definition of your sexuality
achelikeiache94: and that it's just a lot more acceptable to be bi
achelikeiache94: not you
achelikeiache94: sorry
achelikeiache94: that was really accusing
achelikeiache94: and i didn't mean it that way
achelikeiache94: my ex was totally gay and told everyone he was bi
achelikeiache94: so i harbour hard feelings in that area
achelikeiache94: i just don't understand how if someone prefers a certain sex to the other
achelikeiache94: they can do that
achelikeiache94: are you there?

when desperate i have a tendency to make inconceivably piss poor decisions.  
that's just how i roll.